Imagine you have a friend. Someone you trust, someone you share your inner dialogs with, who knows and understands how you think and probably sees the whys more clearly than yourself. This friend of yours listens, asks questions, and is genuinely curious. He is fond of your problems as well when you describe a situation you are in and tell him how hard it is and how the world seems to have it out for you. Things don’t work out, the stars don’t align, people don’t keep their promises, the circumstances change for the worse, etc.
The smile
He starts smiling. When you are feeling low, stressed, and tired, the reaction you get is a genuine smile.
You look confused for a second and ask.
What the heck? Why are you smiling?
The smile broadens, and the answer comes quickly and effortlessly, like he has said a thousand times.
Good news! Luckily, you know exactly whose fault it all is.
This must be some riddle at this point, but you play along.
Uhm, no, I don’t!
The talk
And now his face changes, the smile subsides, and his serious face starts to form.
– It’s yours. It’s all your fault. You got into this mess; you must get out.
– You can’t possibly …
– It’s your fault!
– You weren’t listening …
– I was, and it’s your fault!
– But …
– No, it’s your fault!
In someone less capable than you, anger would start building up. Their face would turn red, and they would start yelling. But you don’t because you know better. And your friend knows you better; he is there for you.
A change of perspective
Your friend just did you a great service. They shifted your perspective from victim of circumstance to responsible adult. When you are in complaining mode, you don’t look for solutions or rational explanations. What you are after is shifting the blame to someone or something else. That’s your ego getting hold of you. Depending on how you were raised and how you train yourself, this can quickly become your default mode of operation. There are entire cultures where the default mode of operation is complaining and avoiding responsibility. These people are heavily ego-driven, understandably so, but that thinking won’t get you far.
When you change from it’s not my fault to it’s MY fault, you suddenly gain the power to do something about it. Not mine – I can’t, mine – I can. Realizing this allows you to find a solution. And who in their right mind wouldn’t want to find a solution, given how bad the problem is.
It’s your fault. You are the only one to blame
Once you accept it, you must not start negative self-talk. Here is what to do instead, inspired by Marcus Aurelius:
Luckily, this happened to me as others might not have been strong enough to endure it.
Translated to our context.
Luckily, I am to blame and can do something about it. And I am darn good at solving problems.
Accepting the blame shifts your thinking and puts you in solution mode. Focusing on what to do will fire up your mind. It will automatically start exploring ideas, finding alternatives, etc. The more you do it, the better you become. And, of course, you can ask your friend to help you. He also helps you solve problems, not just point the finger.
As you continue this path, you will feel like you are on steroids. That’s because you are; it’s called focused attention. The only change is what you focus on. Instead of complaining and focusing on the problem, you keep the solution in mind.
This will sound counterintuitive: aim to own more problems.
Fault to opportunity
Let’s see some examples. I won’t highlight which is which. The scenarios are easy to identify.
You are late
Where are all these people going? That’s why there’s traffic. I am stuck here and can’t do anything about it. 🤬
I misjudged the travel time; I probably won’t arrive on time. How could I speed up the journey? What else can I do to ease the situation?
Notice the questions in the second format. Answers quickly come to mind:
- Re-route
- Take a taxi, subway, scooter, etc.
- Move the meeting to a location you can reach on time
- Reschedule
- Participate remotely
- Ask a colleague to attend instead
- Phone ahead and let people know
- Etc.
You get the idea. The more you practice this mindset, the more solutions your mind will generate on demand.
Your kid misbehaving
I can’t believe that kid, he is acting crazy. He had better get his act together, or we’ll have a fight.
Hm, he isn’t getting something he needs. I’d like to know what I could do to ease his stress.
Again, once you shift from blame to responsibility, magic happens.
- Did he have a bad day at school?
- Does he need a father-son talk?
- Is he hungry?
- Etc.
Someone not delivering on a promise
I so knew she wouldn’t deliver. This is awful, now I am in this mess because of her.
I had a hunch she wouldn’t deliver, yet I haven’t done anything to counter the risk. Let’s see why. What could I do now to minimize this? How can I prepare for this in the future?
Sometimes, there isn’t much you can do immediately. But the lessons are valuable.
Machine broke down
In the old days, everything worked better. Today they build crap like this machine. It is outrageous that a company producing this survives.
Okay, this doesn’t work. Let’s take a step back. How does this affect my plans? What are my alternatives, given this situation? What am I going to do now?
Often what stands in your way is only temporary. And there are multiple paths forward. It is rarely just 1-hop to the final destination. In such cases, taking a step back and thinking is a good idea.
Service under maintenance when you need it
I wonder if they could have chosen a worse maintenance window… Who in their right mind would do it when most people rely on their service…
Okay, the easy path didn’t work out. What is my next best option? Maintenance is increasingly frequent; I need to check competitor services to see how they would work.
You get the idea
Own the problem and be glad you are the only one to blame. If that is the case, you have the power to solve it. While you live this, there are a couple caveats.
Limit negative self-talk
Some people get energized by having negative self-talk. If you are one of those, use this energy; if not, don’t beat yourself up about it. Acknowledge and focus.
Beware of people who use your mindset to blame you for everything
Some people naturally deflect responsibility and ownership. They will welcome your responsible mindset, but you must not let them take advantage of it. Teach them your ways and hold your line.
Curate interdependence
Those who don’t like responsibility will gladly let you have it all. While this seems excellent initially, it’s no good in the long run. Realize that you rob them of the opportunity to grow up. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes, this may be what you want in some areas of life. Be careful with it and cultivate interdependence along with your independence.
Premeditation of evils
Lots of people only see problems when they occur. They are reactors living in the present and trying to fix the past. How often have you heard a “solution” like “You shouldn’t have done that, and then you wouldn’t be in this mess.” That’s not helpful. However, we can turn this around and anticipate problems before they materialize.
Premeditatio Malorum – All the terms of our human lot should be before our eyes. – Seneca
We live our lives trying to predict the future. Some predict short time horizons, others longer ones. Some do it delicately, while others do it mostly unconsciously. It isn’t hard to see which one leads to a more conscious life. Anticipating potential issues and preparing to counter them will make owning problems more effortless and pleasant.
Still think it’s not your fault?
Good news, it is!
Haven’t you found this helpful? You guessed it.
It’s your fault!
P.S. Do you know someone who always says, “It’s your fault”? First, they are right, and second, send this post their way 😎
P.P.S. Take the above with a grain of salt 🧂
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